The last weekend of Summer

Memorial Day to Labor Day. Isn't that what we Midwesterners always thought of as summer? Although the weather hasn't indicated the end of summer, with schools starting and football on TV the transition is apparent in many ways. I will hate to see this summer end. The days of sunshine have been good for us. Being outside, combined with all of the summer activities has kept our bodies and minds busy. The goal now is to find something that works as well during the cooler, wetter days of Fall and especially Winter. I have been collecting my stories of Mike and with the naming of Sarah Palin as VP for McCain I am sure there will be a new awareness of Down Syndrome in the press and hence interest in the public. For those of you that didn't know yet Palin's son born in April 2008 has Down Syndrome. The timing is great to get some of the wonderful, funny, goofy stories Mike has provided into print.

And as a wrap up to the week I need to say that Steve and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary on Wednesday. And so in my continuing effort to digitalize all of our photos here are two from August 27, 1977. It has been a wild ride with many ups and downs, but every good time was better because Steve was by my side and every bad time was bearable because he was there too. I love you Steve!

"It's a wonderful thing, as time goes by, to be with someone who looks into your face, when you've gotten old, and still sees what you think you look like."

from the movie "The Bachelor"

Tuesday

"Let loose of what you can't control. Serenity will be yours."

I am sure that control has been one of my problems in life. I am a controlling personality. I feel that I am competent enough to control most situations. After Mike was born and I realized that I could not control the fact that he had Down Syndrome I took control of his life with Down Syndrome. With the help of our family Mike was going to be a high functioning successful young man. Control worked. I took on researching melanoma when John was first diagnosed and I learned everything I could. I wanted to be able to control the outcome by knowing the facts. We found all of the best therapies available. John followed every lead we offered. It just wasn't enough. Control didn't win that battle.

And now I am just trying to get control of my life and sometimes not doing a very good job of it. I can't control the past. I can't control the future. I can only control what I am going to do right now. So I am putting on the walking shoes and going for a walk. I am going to try to let loose of that which I can not control, in search of serenity.

Looking at the Labor Day Weekend seems like the end of summer. I have enjoyed summer this year. It has been healing to have sunshine and warmth. To be at the swimming pool with AJ has been a mental lift like no other. Ten days with Jessica went too quickly but generally life has been good. We need to bring those feelings into fall.

A better day

Ok to all of my friends and family, thank you for the support. I did feel it. Today was a better day. My neighbor called and we went out for a walk and a swim and I was busy all day. Steve returned from Philadelphia and everyone is home and safe again. I do not know this process of grieving but it is true that each day is different. I want to not show the fact that I am emotional or vulnerable. I sometimes wish I had better control. I wish it did not hurt so much. I wish I could tell everyone it is getting better. It is still just a day....no a minute at a time. There are so many things that remind me of John. I think so often of what was happening one year ago. It was at that time that I realized we were in a battle for his life. Every moment was precious and I tried to record it in my memory as such. But now to recall them is painful. I really do feel that as time continues they will be good memories but for now they are still tender to the heart. The hole in my heart is still there but I can feel all of my friends pushing it in and making sure the beat goes on.

"There are many things that are essential to arriving at true peace of mind, and one of the most important is faith, which cannot be acquired without prayer. "

Waves of grief continue

I have been communicating with others who have endured grief and I have found that it is quite normal at the 5-7 month range to again be hit by the immensity of a loss. For some reason we are programmed to get through the immediate months after just by doing things that need to be done without thought. It is in this next stage that again the grief hits hard because it has finally had time to sink in. John will never be coming back. AJ will never know his Dad except through stories and pictures. Jesi will never grow old with her husband and celebrate anniversaries. Jessica does not have a big brother to call on. It has been a very hard week and then today while I am cleaning the laundry room shelves I find a copy of the funeral program. Of course I read it and remembered and doubled over in tears. I guess it is good they come out but the painfulness of grief is intense. I am glad to know it is "normal" to still feel such a loss and yet know I am basically OK. I can smile and enjoy life. I am happy to be alive and needed but I am still trying to figure out this new life without John. A part of my heart is missing.

Highs, lows, and in betweens

Don't know what to write. I miss Jessica. I miss John. Jessica and I talked alot about John over the past week. She misses him too. It is hard to realize all we have are the memories. We shared lots of good ones and some funny ones. But it was hard. I am finding tears easily again. I need to get busy with daily life. I am going to start with my pile of ironing and catch up on Micheal Phelps swimming at the Olympics on DVR.

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep."

Two very special people

I can't believe that a week has passed already. Jessica is leaving to go to Boston and re-unite with Ben after his summer in Italy. She will return to LA next Tuesday. We had so much fun together. I am sad to see her go but I have really enjoyed seeing how much she is growing into a competent young woman. I know her visit was filled with many functions and it may not have been much of a "vacation" but hopefully she has enjoyed being away from work. We surely enjoyed our time with her. I wish we could have more of it.

Family at its best

“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.”
John Lennon



Today is a family day. Mom and Dad Cornell are coming to Perrysburg to see Jessica and Jesi and AJ and we will be celebrating their 60th wedding Anniversary with a dinner. On 8/8/48 they were married at home with an outdoor reception in the side yard of my mom's family farm in Kalamazoo. This is a picture of the happy couple, then and now. We actually celebrated with them in Kalamazoo last weekend too. Quite an example of a loving couple. Thanks for the inspiration mom and dad.

Just Monday

It was a busy week last week and promises to continue that pattern this week. I will be picking Jessica up early tomorrow morning as she is flying the red eye from LA tonight. I have cleared my schedule of any obligations so that we can do whatever strikes our fancy. Looks like it will great weather for any and all activities.

On Saturday Mike and I participated in the area Special Olympics Unified Golf tournament. This event brings teams from Northwest Ohio together in competition and establishes what division you will be placed in for the State tournament. We were fortunate to get a gold medal by shooting a score of 58 using an alternate stroke format. It was one of our higher scores but the course was tough and the heat on Saturday didn't help. We hope to be picked to attend the State tournament in September.

Sunday was family reunion in Kalamazoo. My mothers family has been getting together on the first Sunday in August for over 35 years. We couldn't come up with the exact date this tradition started but many anniversaries, births, and wedding showers have taken place at this party. We do not always get there every year anymore, but it was especially good to be with family yesterday.