Monday Monday

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. " Robert Frost


The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Life and choices are the focus today. Life will go on but it will be the choices we make that will affect the quality of the future. Putting myself back into life. Living...not just letting life go on. That would be the crime of grief. It is so easy to feel sad about everything that should have been. I enjoyed watching John as a father and husband, instead of just a son. He loved both of these new roles. He should have had more time to enjoy them. But he didn't.

So how is that going to affect my life. I have the choices to be sad about what he missed or to celebrate the life he had. My choices will reflect on John's life. My choices will affect everyone around me. Everyone I care about and everyone that cares about me. I have always said "I love my life". I do have a wonderful life. My choice today is to still love my life. This time is not ever going to be remembered in any way but as a sad time. But I plan on many, many, more happy times with family and friends. I will be able to enjoy life and living and John will be there smiling with us because we made good choices.

Two steps forward, one backward

What is normal? I am sure it is not today. I want to reassure those of you that are concerned it is JUST one step backwards. I am going to a neighbors house for dinner tonight, so I am showering soon and getting dressed and going out. Going out is still hard, especially alone. Today I did not do the right things. I stayed in bed and watched TV and read all day. With Steve in Pittsburgh I found it very hard to motivate myself even to check email and internet. Call it wallowing in sorrow and grief, or sadness or laziness. I know keeping busy is the key but today I just couldn't do it. Poor Mike is upstairs and has done his usual Saturday thing. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping and fun shopping at Target. I think he got a movie because he has been quiet this afternoon too. He has a pizza for dinner so I do not feel too bad about leaving him for awhile tonight. I will just be up the street.

So tonight I will do the right things to move on again. I will shower and brush my teeth. I will get dressed. I will be OK.

But it is not easy, this walk through grief.

Remembering

“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.”
Nicholas Gage from the movie "City of Angels"

In reviewing quotes, I am again struck by the ones I find comfort in. They all seem to lean toward the wonderful times we spent with our loved ones, not the loss of that person in our life. For example I found todays quote while I was looking for something about eternity. I wanted to find something that would comfort me in the thought of John now in a place of no pain or suffering. I wanted think about John resting comfortably in eternity, but instead I find words to comfort me and remind me of the wonderful time here on earth that we were able to share life with John. Eternity in this life would not be near the joy of 27 years with John.

Enjoy today. Hug your children. Call your parents. Spend time with friends.

Life goes on

"It may seem bad, but you'll come out of it. I'm not taking your grief lightly; it's just that I've seen enough of life to know that you'll come out of it." The words you've said yourself...And you do come out of it, that's true. After a year, after five. But you don't come out of it like a train coming out of a tunnel, bursting through the Downs into the sunshine and that swift, rattling descent to the Channel; you come out of it as a gull comes out of an oil slick. You are tarred and feathered for life."
Julian Barnes from Flaubert's Parrot

I read this passage some time ago in another bloggers description of grief. It is so true. The days are getting better. The most common things must still get done. We eat, we wash clothes, we take care of business. Sometimes it is an effort just to get out of bed , but we do it because that is what must be done. It is the road to living again just to do the common things. It does mean we miss John any less. It is just what must be done to move on.

Our lives are returning to a routine. Mike is doing well in his new job. He has driven himself to work a couple of times but I am still meeting him at 11PM to drive home with him...or at least follow him home. He likes the independence. He has found with two 15 minute breaks and a 1/2 hour lunch break he has time to call people and chat. It seems to be what so many of his co workers do on their last break of the evening around 9PM. This has been a good social move for Mike. He has never been chatty on the phone so it is fun when he calls and asks about our dinner and what we are doing. He has called Jessica in LA and with the time change they are much closer to being on the same schedule.

Steve leaves for Pittisburgh tomorrow and will be there through the weekend. I will miss him. In all probablility he will be working long hours and stay busy. I will try to do the same here. Mike and I will enjoy pizza and a movie on Saturday night and of course Mike will have popcorn too.

As the normal events continue to happen, my washing machine is dying...it doesn't spin and pump the water out very well anymore. So that will be another weekend activity. Buying a new washing machine. Yes life does go on.

The days continue

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth. " Shira Tehrani

How many days have slipped by without making an impact? I know I have had many. Sometimes now I wish I could do some of them over. How much more I could have contributed to the world... to my community...to my family and friends. The length of someones life really isn't what they are ultimately judged on and so we must make an extra effort now to insure the width and breadth of our lives meet up to the expexctations from the length of our life.

Happy Easter

While the month of March has continued to give us wintery weather, today the sun is shining and we can feel the warmth of spring. Steve and I attended Easter Services at Rosary Cathedral this morning and it was an uplifting mass. The Christian saying that only three days separate the saddest day from the happiest day seemed to be true this morning. Father Chas gave the homily and it was comforting for me to remember that Jesus died for us, in order for us to gain eternal life. I need to believe that John is in a better place. I do not understand why God would take John from us so soon, or have him suffer so while he was here on earth, but I do feel that John is Ok now.

We brought an easter basket over to AJ this morning too. He liked the book I selected, but I included two small stuffed animals that he wasn't so sure about. Jesi is changing out the Winnie the Pooh theme to a little boy jungle theme for his bedroom so I thought the zebra and the lion would be fun but AJ didn't even want to hold them. Maybe next year he will be old enough to have an egg hunt with candy in the eggs.

We are with friends for Easter dinner this evening and again thank all of you for helping to lead us through this time in our life. Family and friends have made all the difference.

P.S. Yeah Spartans!!!

Winter, winter go away

Where is spring. The calendar says it is here but the snow outside has me questioning it. Hopefully this will be the end of snow and spring will come next week. I did notice the robins have returned. I think a little sunshine would be good for our spirits too.

Over all we are moving forward but there are so many little things that set off the memories. I woke up last night at 3AM and I kept telling my brain not to go to the memories. When the brain goes there I can't get back to sleep, so I try to drag my brain into the days activities. Today was good because I had a tennis game and lunch. Keeping busy during the day is key. And again the weather being nice would help that.

No quote today...
well maybe this one, it isn't great but it made me laugh.

"Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

NCAA men's Basketball

Stanford vs. Cornell. Well it happens everyday in our household but it was an occassion in the NCAA basketball tournament. Unfortunately Stanford took an early lead and kept it. For my readers that do not know my maiden name is Cornell. For many years after marriage I went by Linda Cornell-Stanford. I am not sure how many times these two teams have met but it was interesting to see this matchup in the tournament this year.

Some Web links for thought

"I've learned -that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process."

Occasionally someone will forward something to me that I know I will want to remember and so it goes into a computer file. I pulled that file out this morning and found this quote from a poem I saved. I have included a link if you are interested in seeing the complete text of the poem. If the link doesn't work try cutting and pasting it into your browser
http://www.holybible.com/resources/poems/ps.php?sid=229


As I continued to look at the file I saw another web link for a site that I had visited once before. It has some inspiration pieces put to music with pictures. Call it co-incidence but here is the first link I clicked on the site because of course I was missing John and looking for something to put into the blog today. The link was only listed as "missing me".

http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/wu-missing-me.php

The ups and downs you don't expect

"Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened."

Again an unknown quote that carries so much meaning today. As we mourned for the lost future yesterday, today's quote is a good one to remind us the memories will go on forever . We were all blessed to have had John for as long as we did.

I felt a peace last night that was comforting. I slept. Today I was with AJ, while Jesi took care of some business details. It was hard to be at the apartment where I had last been with AJ when John went to the hospital. John's presence was overwhelming and again the sense of loss hurt. When I got home an email from Annal was waiting. It was an old email from John to Annal explaining the odds of picking all of the teams correctly in the NCAA tournament. John's explanation was great and so simply. It brought the sense of peace back and put a smile back on my face. Life...and loss.

The beginning of a new week

" When a parent dies you lose the past, when a spouse dies you lose the present, but when a child dies you lose the future."



I ran across this quote yesterday while I was reading some of the literature that I have been given on grieving. On the surface it sounds so true and yet if you reflect on it you are always losing the present and the future. The life you have known and the one you are presuming will occur, will change whenever there is a death. I think the loss of the future may be harder when a child dies because as a parent you are projecting not only your own future without the child, but also the future that the child would have (should have) had.

In reality death is tough no matter who it affects.

We will continue to move foreward.

The eulogies

For those of you who were not able to attend the funeral I wanted to post the eulogies that Mike, Marty, and Annal gave. Such tributes and so well delivered under the circumstances. I have not been able to read through them yet (thank goodness for "cut and paste"), but know they will be here to read later, probably over and over again. We had everyone...Jesi, AJ, Annal, and Marty, along with Beth, Jesi's sister, and Amanda (our Jessica's friend), over for dinner last night before our Jessica leaves to return to LA and we all enjoyed ourselves. We will continue to remember John and get support from each other. Yesterday was a good day.

At the funeral Steve got up with Mike and told a few family stories about John. Steve introduced Mike, Marty, and Annal and their words follow:

Mike's words:
I know my brother left lots of things undone that he never got a chance to start. I promise I will continue to fulfill his dreams. This is a small way to say thank you for everything he did for me.

Marty's words:
For those of you who do not know me, my name is Marty Stough and I am proud to say that John Stanford was my best friend. John and I attended St. Francis de Sales high school together and throughout high school and for the rest of his life, John and I shared so many wonderful times together. We also went through our share of tough times, but we were always there for each other. He was the best friend a person could have, and I would like to share some of the things I will miss about my friend John. I have chosen these memories from a list that is far too long to read here today.

Knowing John was not the most sentimental of people, even though he did have his moments. I tried to think of the lighter side of his life and events we shared as friends. And John I apologize if some are to sappy for you.

I will miss how smart you were, and how when we were lab partners you would do all the work and I would get all the credit.

I will miss you and me always wanting to be partners in euchre even though we would not really win all that much. Thanks for all the times you called it up on Queen nine four suited.

I will miss watching college football and making fun of the announcers if they said something stupid. Like clockwork every week John would utter "I hate that Bob Davies" I will miss the breakfast of champions we had every Saturday which consisted of doughnuts, chicken wings and beer. And the way you ran to the college football encyclopedia to find the answer to the aflac trivia question of the week.

I will miss the way John would be so brutally honest no matter how much it would hurt. His mom always said he was little arrogant. I always told him he was a word that started with an A but it wasn’t arrogant. I will miss the gigantic smile that you had on your face every time I called you that A- word.

I will miss performing a duet to the song "These Eyes" by the guess who, every time we listened to it. You never lost your cool when I would get pump faked and start the chorus two measures to early.

I will miss the heated arguments about very important issues like whether it was possible that in order to save the future the main character in the movie THE TERMINATOR could send his dad back in time to meet his mom so he could be born in order to save the future, so he could send his dad back to meet his mom so he could be born to save the future. And on and on we went.

I will miss the deep philosophical discussions and trying to solve mankind’s greatest mysteries like bud or bud light? Or ranch vs. bleu cheese?

I will miss playing football on playstation all summer long and you getting stuck with Illinois, if only Illinois had you as a coach, the buckeyes probably wouldn’t have lost to them this year.

I will miss the way you loved to look up a the stars at night and talk about the universe, and how you would try to explain astrological events to me such as eclipses and black holes, even though I would never grasp these concepts you were such a great friend you did not mind answering the same questions over and over again every time we looked up into the night sky.

I don’t miss you beating me in gin all the time, when I finally beat you after what seemed like a thousand tries, you did not care when I rubbed it in, and you weren’t disappointed when I told you I wasn’t going to play gin against you ever again. Probably because you knew that you could take me down in cribbage any day as well.

I will miss being in awe of your ability to eat. 147 chili dogs in 85 days will be a record that you said will stand forever. But from the looks of it you may have competition when A.J. gets older.

I will miss the free t-shirts that you always wore, from battle for blood to St. Francis basketball camp circa 1995 that you wore up to 2005. Although many of them were 2 sizes to small, I must say the really did highlight your 6 pack abs.

I will miss the love you shared for your family, and I will never forget when you told me that you loved Jessica and you wanted to be with her for the rest of your life, because she was always there for you no matter how sick you were.

I will miss the smile you had on your face every time you talked about A.J. And when times get tough and we are missing you more than ever. We will not lose hope because we know that there is that young boy named Aaron James that will carry on your memory. Every time we look into those beautiful eyes we will see you staring back at us. Every time he smiles you will be smiling back at us. And every time he laughs, you will be laughing with us. And eventually, when he is old enough, and with his mother’s permission, A.J. will be able to come over and share a coors’ pop with his uncle Mar-Mar, and he will get to hear all the great stories of his father and it will be as if you had never left.

John I would like to say thank you for being my friend. Thank you for putting up with me and being there when I needed you most. In a world of conformity, you were truly one of a kind. I will never forget you john. And even though you knew I was never comfortable sharing my emotions and my feelings with you or with anyone for that matter. I have no problem saying these three little words in front of everyone. – I Love you.

In closing, if I was to write a book about John Stanford’s life, I would envision that last line of the book would probably read something like this "before ending his journey on earth, John stood in front of his family and friends and proclaimed loudly from the top of the horseshoe, "Do not worry I will be with you always and I will love you forever. Good Luck and Go Bucks."

Annal's words.
Before I begin, I just want to say something regarding Mr. Stanford’s comment, about how John used to root for Michigan before he became an Ohio State fan. To me, his conversion was a lot like Amazing Grace: "I once was blind, but now I see."

John and I met as freshmen roommates at Ohio State and I’ve been fortunate to have him as a brother ever since. To give you a better picture of the man I knew John to be, I just have a few stories I want to share.
Before we met as college roommates, John told me during a couple phone and instant messenger conversations that he was 6’4, played football and tennis in high school, and that he worked as a lifeguard at the pool. So before I met John, I had this mental image . . . that he was David Hasselhoff from Baywatch. When I walked into my dorm room for the first time, I saw this balding figure who looked more like David Hasselhoff’s dad. When I first met John, I actually thought he was John’s father.

The thing about John is he might have looked older, but he was a kid at heart. My favorite memories of him are when the two of us would play a hockey video game on his PlayStation 2 for hours on end. We’d have music blaring in the background like Aerosmith, Metallica, Stone Temple Pilots, and (looking up) -- sorry I’m about to reveal to everyone this big guy – Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys.

Despite his occasional lapse in musical taste, he had so many good qualities.
John was the smartest man I’ve ever met in my entire life. He got a perfect score on the SAT math – twice. Of course, John was also the laziest man I’ve ever met in my entire life. I was trying to think of ways to describe his intellect, and this is what I came up with. Imagine a guy whose brain is like a super-powered super-computer with a nine-trillion gigahertz Pentium processor. Now imagine that powerful computer . . . constantly on screensaver.

I have so many other wonderful memories of him.

I remember how he would take great pains to schedule his classes close to our apartment so he wouldn’t have to walk far, and then how he’d always end up skipping class anyway. I remember how he used to skip these classes to watch awful reality TV dating shows like Elimidate and the Fifth Wheel.

I remember how for Valentine’s Day he used to get Jess a rose in a Heineken bottle, and how he sincerely thought he was being classy. I remember for Christmas he’d write her funny poems and spend hours getting the verses and rhyming just right.

I remember how we used to talk late into the night, and joke that for us college was like one big slumber party. I remember how we’d shut up in silence after describing our marathon chat sessions as slumber parties, because that was un-manly.

I remember how we went to Taco Bell and proceeded to eat twenty-five dollars worth of food. I remember the disgusted faces of all the people I’ve ever told that story to.

I remember him telling me to clean more, and me telling him to shower more.

And most of all, I remember John’s unique outlook on life, which I think is demonstrated by the following little story.
During a summer break from college one year, John went to Cedar Point with a group of friends. The place was jam-packed with people, the lines were long, and the heat was unbearable. To make matters worse, halfway through the day it started to rain. Everyone in the group got upset, except John, who got a huge smile on his face. Everyone asked him what he was smiling about, and John just said, "This is great. It's pouring so people are gonna leave the park and the lines will go really quick!"

I think that speaks volumes about how John viewed the world. Because John’s had a ton of rain in his life. More rain than anyone deserves. But he always saw the bright side.

And I miss him so much.

The last thing I want to say isn’t a story, but just some thoughts I had.

Mrs. Stanford made a touching blog about John's battles with melanoma. And on that blog, she posted an Arabian proverb that goes: "He who has hope, has everything." I’m going to use a different quote with similar meaning. John loved the 80’s rock band Journey. And Journey composed a song that is entirely about hope. One of the lyrics goes: "Don't stop believing/ Hold on to that feeling/ Streetlights, people/ Don't stop believing."
I think right now it's easy to stop believing. It’s easy to feel that there’s no hope left. But I have to remind myself that hope is out there. And to me, a great part of that hope comes from a little kid named Aaron James Stanford.
I’m sure most of you know that A.J. is John’s eighteen month old son. Marty and I got together after John passed away and we wrote a letter to A.J. And even though he’s not old enough to understand it yet, we still want to share with you the letter we wrote to him.
So Marty, if you could come up to the podium.

[Marty comes up to the podium. The two of us take turns reading paragraphs.]

Dear A.J.,
This is really hard. Your father isn't going to be around anymore. He was there at your first birthday. But he's not going to be there at your second. Or your third. Or any other birthday for that matter. And that makes the two of us heartbroken.

We wish you could have known him better. Here’s how we’d describe him. In your life, you will find that there are good men, there are great men, and then there are the best of men. Your father was the best of men. And his loss has left this big void in all of us, because we loved him so much.
But A.J., take some advice from Steve Perry and Journey: don’t stop believing. Don’t stop believing. After all, you have an angel looking out for you and her name is Jess. I would call her Mom, though, and not Jess – unless you want to get sent to your room.

We’ve known your mother for years now. She is kind. She is loving. She is grace. And just like you, she is a gift from God.

And in addition to that angel you call Mom, you have a big family that loves you dearly. You have wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family and friends.

And all of us – all of us – have made a pact. That we will love you, care for you, and be there for you. Now and for the rest of your life.

But even with all of us looking out for you, you’ll still feel this incredible emptiness from not having your father around. We have a secret, though. Anytime you feel empty, look to the skies and say, "I love you."
After you say, "I love you" you’re going to hear a voice reply back to you. It may not be very loud. In fact, the voice may be so soft that you think you don’t hear anything. Trust me, it exists.
Wait for it…wait for it…There! Right there! Did you hear that? It’s the voice of a man. The man is saying, "A.J., I love you, too. You are my son. I am so unbelievably proud of you."

A.J., let that voice guide you.

Let it comfort you.

Let it give you hope

Let it lift you up.

Let it bring you joy.

Let it calm you.

Let it carry you.

Let it encourage you.

Let it inspire you.

Let it remind you

That no matter what---
Your father is always with you.

New Aspects of Grief

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. " ~Kenji Miyazawa

I know many of you are still checking in on my cyber words and I have promised to continue writing. Writing for me is a way to vent my grief and perhaps can serve as a road map for you into grieving. The days have been hard but having friends and family to talk to has helped immensely. The nights on the other hand have been even harder. The physical pain of grief has been what surprises me the most. When exhaustion plus alcohol are the only formula for sleep it begins to take a toll on the body. I have decided to take alcohol out of the formula and replace it with more exhaustion by getting exercise into my days again. I know it is well publicized that exercise is a natural anti-depressant but it will be interesting to see what it does for sleep.

Mike has returned to work and I am sure the routine is good for him. Steve is easing back into his routine this week and when Jessica leaves I too will have to establish a daily routine that will got me out of the house. I feel safe here at home. Going out alone sounds frightening now because my emotions are so raw that I feel the need to be protected. I understand how agoraphobia sets in. I am not worried because I know all of my friends are going to be here with me as I work through this part of grieving. It is just another aspect of grief that I had been unaware of.

The Day After

Friends and family have all returned home, with the exception of Jessica who will be here until Sunday. I am finally running out of adrenaline and I have admitted to being tired. I will be able to rest today and I will allow sleep if it comes. But I need to begin to capture the events of the last few days before the details fade. There were too many absolutely precious moments that I want to remember, and other details that I don't want to forget.

The service for John was absolutely wonderful, if any funeral service could be described that way. I have asked both Marty and Annal to send me their eulogies so that I might print them here. Both young men brought John back to life for us through their stories and their final jointly written letter to AJ, left no doubt as to the quality of the friends John chose.

Last night was another long one with Jessica, Amanda, Marty, Annal and I, outlasting the others telling John stories. Will John stay connected? Ask Marty. As he was telling a particularly funny story about John the chair he was sitting on broke and Marty fell flat on his behind. We all laughed so hard and knew John was there telling us he was still around to defend himself.

I will be reading now about grieving and coping and already it has been interesting to see what little event might set off an emotional breakdown. I was prepared for the funeral yesterday. I knew it would be emotional. What I wasn't prepared for was being handed a program as we walked into St Rose and seeing John's full name, with the dates of his birth and death. The tears came so quickly. It was such a little thing but seeing those dates in print seemed so final.

Many of those I talked with over the past days have commented about the quotes I have chosen to print on this blog. I find them in different places but this one came to me from dear friend Michelle in an email response to my March 8th posting on this blog. It is so perfect.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran

A Moment before We Start Today

I am taking a quiet moment alone this morning before we start the process of getting everyone to church. I am dreading today but yesterday at the funeral home was special in an awful kind of way. So many caring people attended that I am truly amazed. I knew I have been living on others strength lately but now I know how I have been able to get through these last few days. Every single person that was there has helped Steve or me to cope by sharing our pain, and yet as so many people stated they cannot even begin to imagine this pain. It is true. The pain of the death of a child is unlike any feeling I have ever experienced.

A Little Quiet Time

"Lost love is still love..." It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it."
"Life has to end. Love doesn't"

From the "Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albon

I am finally having a quiet moment alone and needed to write something, anything.... This quote seems an appropriate place to begin. My whole body aches with pain. My heart hurts. I have not had time to think much yet because there have been details to tend to. Having people around has been wonderful. Sharing stories about good times with John and laughing at things John did. Jessica and I stayed up last night sharing stories well past 3AM. I do not want to shut my eyes because it is then that the reality of never seeing my John again hits me. So I stay awake until I am so tired there is no time between being awake and asleep. Can I stay awake forever? How long can I function on 4 hours of sleep? At this point I don't care. I only want it not to hurt so much.

Today as we were getting pictures together for the funeral home I opened the drawer with John's "stuff" and the first thing I saw was the hospital bracelet I wore when I entered the Toledo hospital on Christmas Day to deliver my baby boy. It brought me to my knees. Tears were not enough. Grief can literally be paralyzing. But it had to be done and so we all started going through the pictures. And the memories of the times captured on the photos felt good. Love never ends.

So many friends and family have been here for us to keep us well fed and hugged. We are truly blessed in this regard. It is difficult, there is no question about that, but it would be impossible without you. Thank you doesn't begin to say how much we appreciate your support.

More details

Visitation 2-9PM Monday March 10, at Witzler Shank in Perrysburg. Funeral 10:15 AM on Tuesday March 11, at St. Rose Church Perrysburg.
Everyone is getting through the details of planning a funeral but doing ok. More later.

A life to celebrate

At 1:08 PM today, John Michael Stanford escaped the pain and suffering of this earth. He was surrounded by friends and family as his suffering ended and he passed peacefully into the heavens. He was a valiant warrior against the beast melanoma for over 5 years, and he did so with much strength and character of spirit. More details will follow.

8PM Update

John is sleeping comfortably right now although it is a drug induced sleep. He had another seizure earlier tonight and the decision has been made that hospice will be contacted tomorrow morning. John is tired. Tired of hospitals, tired of tests, tired of taking pills, tired of feeling sick, tired of living in pain and not being able to do the things a normal 27 year old does. He is not tired of watching his son grow or of loving his wife, but the process of staying alive is getting too difficult for his tired body.
As much as i can agree with him, I do not want to let him go. I love him so much as only a mother will understand. It has been a very difficult day for me. If I have not answered my phone it is not because I do not want to talk but rather because my emotions are a little too close to the surface right now. We have not been told but we believe the time is short with the extent of brain tumor activity. Thank you all for continued prayers.

A day of highs and lows

Yesterday started with Mike getting a job with a video packaging company here in Perrysburg. He starts today. It will be second shift for a period of time but if he proves himself he should be able to move to first shift soon. We were celebrating with a nice dinner at home last night when Jesi called with news that John needed to go to the emergency room. I stayed at the apartment with AJ while Steve took John and Jesi to Toledo Hospital.

As the evening wore on it was found that one of the brain tumor was bleeding causing the headache and nausea. John is in intensive care at Toledo Hospital, this morning and the prognosis is not good. He also has some reduced mobility in his right side again. There does not seem to be much left to try to beat this disease. It is now important for all of us to ease John's suffering. He was in a great deal of pain last night but it has been releived with medication now. Please say extra prayers for all us of us for these next few days. We are making arrangements for AJ now and Steve and I will be at the hospital with John this afternoon. Jesi has been with him all night.

New Month

March! Today is March 3 and the sun is shining right now in Perrysburg. I did a quick reread of some of the older posts from November when I started this blog and I think it is amazing how quickly the time has passed and all that has transpired in these few short months. There have been many good times. I am going to enjoy having this blog as an aid in remembering that there is much to be thankful for everyday even when things seems the darkest. I even like rereading the quotes I had picked out. That is an incentive to continue adding that element to the blog. I did not spend the time to reread the comments this time around, but to my regular commenters, I love you! Your regular interaction into my life via a few words on the blog does make a difference and it makes it seem like you are all right here in my house with me. You always seem to be there when I need you most. And to my readers who don't post I am glad I can keep you updated on what is happening in our lives that is interesting to you. I enjoyed the pictures too so I will continue to keep the camera handy and keep snapping away. We have spotted a coyote on the golf course and I will try to capture him digitally if he gets closer to the house.

March is going to be Mike month! The focus will be to get him back to work before the end of this month. He needs it. Sitting around inside watching TV all day has about run its course. And the trips to Target and Chili's will need to be financed with more than unemployment compensation. He is off this morning again with the job developer to interview for another job. Everyone seems to like him, and he has done well on the interviews so we just have to stay positive that something will open soon. Which brings us to todays quote:

"Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice, and need."
Voltaire