It can't be OK all of the time. While we were away our neighbor and friend committed suicide. He was 61 years old and it had been just short of one year ago that his wife died from a heart attack. He missed her dearly and that is what he said in the note he left. While many of those close to him said he had seemed to be doing OK his sister said much of it was just his public appearance and that in fact he was still struggling with his loss. I understand his pain. The pain of the death of someone you love is unlike anything anyone can describe. It doesn't go away. You just learn how to live with it. I appreciate that with the one year mark coming up I am feeling better. I still miss John. There is still a hole in my heart that will never be filled but life is going on. There are good times and laughs. There are many, many things to continue living for. I am sad for our friend that he could not endure the pain long enough to see that. I am thankful for those around me that continue to show me how much they care.

Some things you do because you have to. Today I will go to the visitation in the same funeral home we used for John. Tomorrow I will go to the funeral. I will do this because he was a friend and his sister is a friend. It will not be easy but I will appear OK because that is how life goes on. One day at a time. One step forward. Life is complicated.

One week ago I was sailing in the carribean with my brain fully engaged in learning something new. It was a great escape from reality.