This time of year is going to be wonderful/awful for the rest of my life I have decided. I love Christmas! I love peace on earth, goodwill to men! I love the cold weather and snow in December. I love the whole spirit of Christmas.I love seeing people in such giving moods.
But it hurts now too. It should be a happy time and in a day to day measure it is; but there will always be something missing. It can't be fixed. No matter how happy and into the moment I am at some point it always seems to come back to what isn't here. My family, no matter how big it ever gets will never be complete again. I am happy, but at the same time I am sad. I have a hole in my heart that cannot be filled and it seems so much closer to the surface this time of year.
I am putting up the shield again and heading for the decorations. The Christmas tree is up and needs lights and ornaments... There is an ornament for each of my children's first Christmas. One for Jessica, one for Michael,... and one for John. See how much fun decorating the tree is.
Coming back for an edit I must add something of my experiences today to set the mood for this post. I started the day with a funeral of a dear friends mother. Sad, emotional, and a reminder of life and death. From there I immediately went to a Christmas cookie exchange. Good friends, good food, singing Christmas carols and having fun. The roller coaster of life. The tree is lit. But I never got to the ornaments. They will be my start for Sunday.
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