Memories

Sharing has been the whole point of this blog from its inception. Quickly sharing information when John was sick. Sharing feelings through hard times and lately sharing great memories of vacations.

Today it is back to sharing feelings. It is of course, the approach of the second anniversary of John's death that has me reeling with the sadness of John not being here. Both Steve and I have remembered the weather on the night we took John to the hospital for the last time. It was a blizzardy night so it has been nice to see the sunshine this week. The feelings are still so very raw. I hope getting them out on paper will help. I have somewhat ignored the date. Hawaii made it easy because it is hard to even remember what day it is let alone what the date is. But this week at home I did reflect on some of the posts to this blog from 2 years ago.

I went to the posts from March 2008 and read the first few which start from the end of the month. I knew enough to stay away from the early March posting but I was curious to see how I got through those first days after. This is the post from March 31st. I am amazed at how well written and wise it is. I am happy that I have been able to make good choices. But for just a few days in March I think I will commit the crime of grief and be sad. I am just looking for the end of this week.


Monday, March 31, 2008
Monday Monday

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. " Robert Frost


The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


Life and choices are the focus today. Life will go on but it will be the choices we make that will affect the quality of the future. Putting myself back into life. Living...not just letting life go on. That would be the crime of grief. It is so easy to feel sad about everything that should have been. I enjoyed watching John as a father and husband, instead of just a son. He loved both of these new roles. He should have had more time to enjoy them. But he didn't.

So how is that going to affect my life. I have the choices to be sad about what he missed or to celebrate the life he had. My choices will reflect on John's life. My choices will affect everyone around me. Everyone I care about and everyone that cares about me. I have always said "I love my life". I do have a wonderful life. My choice today is to still love my life. This time is not ever going to be remembered in any way but as a sad time. But I plan on many, many, more happy times with family and friends. I will be able to enjoy life and living and John will be there smiling with us because we made good choices.