Monday Monday

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. " Robert Frost


The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Life and choices are the focus today. Life will go on but it will be the choices we make that will affect the quality of the future. Putting myself back into life. Living...not just letting life go on. That would be the crime of grief. It is so easy to feel sad about everything that should have been. I enjoyed watching John as a father and husband, instead of just a son. He loved both of these new roles. He should have had more time to enjoy them. But he didn't.

So how is that going to affect my life. I have the choices to be sad about what he missed or to celebrate the life he had. My choices will reflect on John's life. My choices will affect everyone around me. Everyone I care about and everyone that cares about me. I have always said "I love my life". I do have a wonderful life. My choice today is to still love my life. This time is not ever going to be remembered in any way but as a sad time. But I plan on many, many, more happy times with family and friends. I will be able to enjoy life and living and John will be there smiling with us because we made good choices.

Two steps forward, one backward

What is normal? I am sure it is not today. I want to reassure those of you that are concerned it is JUST one step backwards. I am going to a neighbors house for dinner tonight, so I am showering soon and getting dressed and going out. Going out is still hard, especially alone. Today I did not do the right things. I stayed in bed and watched TV and read all day. With Steve in Pittsburgh I found it very hard to motivate myself even to check email and internet. Call it wallowing in sorrow and grief, or sadness or laziness. I know keeping busy is the key but today I just couldn't do it. Poor Mike is upstairs and has done his usual Saturday thing. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping and fun shopping at Target. I think he got a movie because he has been quiet this afternoon too. He has a pizza for dinner so I do not feel too bad about leaving him for awhile tonight. I will just be up the street.

So tonight I will do the right things to move on again. I will shower and brush my teeth. I will get dressed. I will be OK.

But it is not easy, this walk through grief.

Remembering

“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.”
Nicholas Gage from the movie "City of Angels"

In reviewing quotes, I am again struck by the ones I find comfort in. They all seem to lean toward the wonderful times we spent with our loved ones, not the loss of that person in our life. For example I found todays quote while I was looking for something about eternity. I wanted to find something that would comfort me in the thought of John now in a place of no pain or suffering. I wanted think about John resting comfortably in eternity, but instead I find words to comfort me and remind me of the wonderful time here on earth that we were able to share life with John. Eternity in this life would not be near the joy of 27 years with John.

Enjoy today. Hug your children. Call your parents. Spend time with friends.

Life goes on

"It may seem bad, but you'll come out of it. I'm not taking your grief lightly; it's just that I've seen enough of life to know that you'll come out of it." The words you've said yourself...And you do come out of it, that's true. After a year, after five. But you don't come out of it like a train coming out of a tunnel, bursting through the Downs into the sunshine and that swift, rattling descent to the Channel; you come out of it as a gull comes out of an oil slick. You are tarred and feathered for life."
Julian Barnes from Flaubert's Parrot

I read this passage some time ago in another bloggers description of grief. It is so true. The days are getting better. The most common things must still get done. We eat, we wash clothes, we take care of business. Sometimes it is an effort just to get out of bed , but we do it because that is what must be done. It is the road to living again just to do the common things. It does mean we miss John any less. It is just what must be done to move on.

Our lives are returning to a routine. Mike is doing well in his new job. He has driven himself to work a couple of times but I am still meeting him at 11PM to drive home with him...or at least follow him home. He likes the independence. He has found with two 15 minute breaks and a 1/2 hour lunch break he has time to call people and chat. It seems to be what so many of his co workers do on their last break of the evening around 9PM. This has been a good social move for Mike. He has never been chatty on the phone so it is fun when he calls and asks about our dinner and what we are doing. He has called Jessica in LA and with the time change they are much closer to being on the same schedule.

Steve leaves for Pittisburgh tomorrow and will be there through the weekend. I will miss him. In all probablility he will be working long hours and stay busy. I will try to do the same here. Mike and I will enjoy pizza and a movie on Saturday night and of course Mike will have popcorn too.

As the normal events continue to happen, my washing machine is dying...it doesn't spin and pump the water out very well anymore. So that will be another weekend activity. Buying a new washing machine. Yes life does go on.

The days continue

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth. " Shira Tehrani

How many days have slipped by without making an impact? I know I have had many. Sometimes now I wish I could do some of them over. How much more I could have contributed to the world... to my community...to my family and friends. The length of someones life really isn't what they are ultimately judged on and so we must make an extra effort now to insure the width and breadth of our lives meet up to the expexctations from the length of our life.

Happy Easter

While the month of March has continued to give us wintery weather, today the sun is shining and we can feel the warmth of spring. Steve and I attended Easter Services at Rosary Cathedral this morning and it was an uplifting mass. The Christian saying that only three days separate the saddest day from the happiest day seemed to be true this morning. Father Chas gave the homily and it was comforting for me to remember that Jesus died for us, in order for us to gain eternal life. I need to believe that John is in a better place. I do not understand why God would take John from us so soon, or have him suffer so while he was here on earth, but I do feel that John is Ok now.

We brought an easter basket over to AJ this morning too. He liked the book I selected, but I included two small stuffed animals that he wasn't so sure about. Jesi is changing out the Winnie the Pooh theme to a little boy jungle theme for his bedroom so I thought the zebra and the lion would be fun but AJ didn't even want to hold them. Maybe next year he will be old enough to have an egg hunt with candy in the eggs.

We are with friends for Easter dinner this evening and again thank all of you for helping to lead us through this time in our life. Family and friends have made all the difference.

P.S. Yeah Spartans!!!